Public Transport Commandments.

Public transport, where you bump into the s word. No, not that one, strangers. Despite being a sociable species of many languages, with many forms of greetings, the possibility of coming close to strangers makes everyone awkward. As always in this situation, a convention of etiquette is observed.


The one seat gap. It is acceptable to sit net to another person, if, and only if, every seat with a gap next door is taken. Any breaking of this rule will result in a huge British style tut, or various furious glances towards the window.


If the gap seat is taken by a bag, this is a huge cheat. This, along with sitting in the aisle seat, is a big breach of transport etiquette. Punishments include people glaring at the back of the head, and angry whispers on the topic, some possibly whispered just loud enough to hear, in a small show of opposition. Some brave member of the public may even stand next to the criminal, until said obstruction is removed.


You must stand near the door. When you enter the transport, standing away from the door straight away is just downright weird. Typically, this is seen on a bus, with as many people as possible congregating near the driver, just behind the "Do not disturb the driver" sign.


Music must be of an appropriate level. Loud music, aahhhh, this one makes my blood boil. It makes me so angry, I will go up and confront the person. In my head. If music is played loud, it must be terrible and annoyingly catchy, there is no in between.


Children must always cry. Silent children on buses only exists in a different universe. The screams must always be bone chilling, high pitched, and ear splitting. Feelings include cold fury for people next to said  child, to relief on the opposite side of the bus for the precious distance.


Sobriety. Drunk people and buses do not mix. If a drunk person is on the bus, they will be subject to ridicule, especially if a particularly sharp corner results in a not very pleasant ending. Loud drunks, particularly in groups, are treated with disdain, and a huge amount of caution from other passengers.


Eye-contact. A big no-no. You cannot, and must not, look to the person sitting next to you. This would bring the inevitable discomfort of the other passenger, who will treat you as a sociopath for the rest of the journey.


And the most important until last. Never talk unless necessary. We are on public transport to get from A to B. I am not a therapist, and I don't give an absolute sh** about a random person's personal life.


Maybe these should be on a stone tablet at the front of all transport.

Loony Loopholes

The use of loopholes to lure people, it’s disgusting. So believe me when I say this blog is a "Diet" blog. 8 in 10 people who read it lose weight, and experts say it's one of your five a day. Oh, I forgot the catchy tabloid headline.

THIS BLOG SOLVES WORLD HUNGER
(Scientists say)

Here's 7 Classics.

 
Based on a true story......... In other words, there once was a guy called Brian Smith, everything else is 100 per cent, pure pedigree bull s***. Or maybe a woman once walked in and a book jumped off the shelf, that's clearly a poltergeist that is now rampaging round New York on a killing spree in a new horror movie.
 
Scientists say....... As in one scientist once said owning a cat is linked to being a brilliant footballer. Vaping is worse than smoking, vaping is better than smoking, maybe it has no effect, and back to its worse for you. Just putting it out there, scientists say reading my blog leads to a 7 figure salary.
 
Low in fat.......... High in loopholes. Which fats, how much sugar, how much carbohydrate? I use this as the perfect excuse for my next dominoes.......
 
90 per cent of..........90 per cent of people love my blog.......out of the 10 friends I ask. Well there now 9 friends and one twat. If you give a s*** about statistics on an advert, if you’re as depressingly sad as I am, think sample size and who was asked. Lies, Damned lies and statistics.
 
Buy one get one free......What if I don't want two? This extends to all offers, how much is it for one, that's more what I want to know. If you hear the phrase, "it's cheaper to get two", get those alarm bells ringing!
 
Up to....... Up to 50 per cent off. As in anything from 0 to 50. As in half the per cents possible. I still love how the "up to" is in Times New Roman font size 8, and the 50 per cent off is Arial in Bold, font size 50.
 
The use of 99p...... I am fed up and tired of the mass of penny coins clogging up my wallet. £14.99 is 15 pounds, I do not want the penny, I do not want to have to wander to a coin counter to get an extra quid for Christmas shopping.
 
I wrote this with two diet cokes on 2 for 2 pounds, a bag of sweets for 99p, in clothes which were up to 20 per cent off.

Perfect Driver Syndrome

How many times have you said what the hells he doing in front when operating a car. Be honest. We're always told there's no such thing as a perfect driver, but there are such things as perfect hypocrites, each and every last one of us! It's not something to be ashamed of, its the animal that's unleashed with the power of one little licence card in your pocket.

1) The Backseat Driver. The person who has the benefit of hindsight, and "I told you so" in reserve, is clearly the "perfect" driver, who we should all strive to emulate. They are certainly not a breed of self-righteous idiots who should be dropped off in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Everyone is guilty of doing it, but none more so than when someone starts up driving lessons. They take 5 lessons, and all of a sudden using neutral to save petrol, whilst leaving the hazards on isn't right and you should change it.

2) The "Pippers". These are Gods among us mortal drivers, who are provided with instruments to highlight every minor mistake made. These drivers, or Titans as they may prefer, have never used an indicator incorrect, always judge distances perfectly, and are straight off the mark when it goes on green.

3) The Followers. These are people who should really be titled professors. Not content with highlighting a mistake on the road, they take the time out of there day to follow the person to when they stop. They then proceed to gently chastise them on there error, and give lessons from there mighty store of wisdom on the subject.

4) The "right up the backside" drivers. Look into your rear view mirror and you may see such a driver, practically on your bumper. These drivers are so perfect, speed limits are a mere guide. Not only are they able to dispose on trivialities of maintaining the speed limit, they also have the power to transfer this to the individual in front, by getting as close as humanly possible. Not all other drivers have this celestial ability however, and so overtaking often ensues.

5) The Bully. These drivers, like cartoon bulls, are angered by the colour red. Particularly on a white background, and with the red in the shape of an L. Not ever having being as bad as the car displaying the red symbol, they feel it only right to take priority on the road, and display the qualities of a good driver. When said new learner stalls the car, the bully feels it only right to launch into a tirade, peep the horn, or overtake, as is there right as the perfect driver.

6) The lane hopper. These people have to priority on any road. Choosing the correct lane does not extend to these drivers, and they may switch lanes until there heart is content, to ensure they get as close as possible to the front of the queue. Every second counts, and that 5 seconds quicker to the red light is imperative to this driver's time.

7) The signal-less. These can be in two categories. The first is the telekinesis category, where we are expected to read the mind of said driver to obtain where they are going. Second is the priority driver, who don't need to signal, as whatever manoeuvre they choose is the right one. Pedestrians lives are secondary to the right of way of these drivers.

8) The gesticulators. These people use effective sign language to communicate effectively when another driver has irked them in any way. We've all looked to the car on the left to see a bright red face, mouthing of obvious obscene words, or the possible extension of a certain finger pointing in our direction. Or maybe that's just the response to this perfect driver.

Almost makes you want to use public transport.........almost.

Social Awkwarditis

Sitting comfortably? Good, it makes it all the more satisfying when I put you through 7 delightfully awkward situations...... Or maybe I'm just an outcast.


1) Do you know the person enough? Someone you vaguely know walks down the street, a distant relation, or maybe you had a drink with them once. Do they warrant a hello? Do you cross the street to avoid said confrontation, or do you plough on, eyes glued straight forward, or down as if "you don't notice them". Maybe you take the gamble, and try and catch there eye to say a quick hello? Then of course, they aren't looking at you, but you've already gambled!!


2) Being "pipped at". Whoever did this first should be shot!! Is it you being pipped at, or is it merely an angry motorist? You can avoid the wave and play it safe, only to deny profusely later to a friend that you definitely did not see them. Or maybe you give a quick wave. Then the person next to you will either say "they weren't waving at you", leaving egg on your face, or they ask "who was that", to which you sheepishly reply "not a clue".


3) Not knowing a person's name. I thank God how little you mention a name in conversation. The words "mate" and "pal" are a gift from the heavens, as you constantly reference these words in conversation. It's merely a stay of execution of course, as it comes to the point when you have to mention a name. You have a vague idea......but is it right? Do you bite the bullet and ask for a name, looking like a fool for not asking before, or gamble on the name, and risk looking a twat.


4) Not knowing someone at all. There is no way to remedy this. Your walking round a supermarket, or having a drink, and someone shouts your name as if you've been best friends since the year dot. Unfortunately, it is deemed unacceptable to turn round and say "Who the f****** hell are you!", and you end up having a one sided conversation, with you simply holding your end.


5) Bumping into someone.......twice. You've passed the first hurdle, maybe you've remembered someone or passed scenario one successfully. You walk away, congratulating yourself on a job well done, but then you cross paths with the acquaintance again! This will likely be the unavoidable social trap of a supermarket. You've used your best material!, You know how they are, you know how the best friends cousin's partners sisters weddings gone. You've even mentioned the weather, what do you have left? You sort of do an awkward smile/laugh that makes you look like you've just sucked on a lemon.


6) Someone invading your space. I will try to stop a rant. I have my space around me, space only certain trusted individuals may occupy. You could be a knife wielding maniac for all I know. We all know that touchy-feely, overly friendly, frankly weird acquaintance, who treats your private space like a welcome mat. It's awkward, its concerning, and if you do it one more time I will report you to the police.


7) The Hug or Handshake conundrum. The classic, Unsolvable. At what point do you get to "hugging" friendliness. It's a Mexican stand off I'd rather avoid. To make it worse, kissing on the cheek is now seen as a greeting in certain circles (SEE ABOVE!!), just to add a third unknown into an already socially awkward situation. This tends to lead to the awkward "Goodbye" from halfway across the room, or punching someone in the midriff when you gambled on the handshake.......or maybe worse.


Sometimes, I wish I had a nice home on Mars.

The Predictably Unpredictable British Summer

I thought I'd start with the classic! It doesn't matter if your with colleagues, family, friends or acquaintance, a gripping discussion on the weather awaits. Here's 10 "musings" on the GB weather:


1) The search for optimum temperature. Face it, we've all mentioned the promised land of 18 degrees Celsius, dry, windless day, to bask in the delightful feeling of not being too hot or cold. Despite the seeming knowledge I discuss of these conditions, I am yet to reach the promised land sadly.


2) Clueless weathermen. Sometimes I think I'd have better luck asking a dog, as I enjoy the beautiful heat wave I've seen promised running for shelter in my winter coat. Forecasts not only change hour to hour, but channel to channel,to website,to colleague to man who scarily starts talking to you at a bus stop.


3) Humidity. Particularly on leather sofas. British sun is not like every other country sun. Even when it's not raining and the sun shines,  the air is saturated with good old H20.


4) The Inevitable thunder storm. There's something, maybe an angry God, that does not allow Britain to have good weather without making us pay. The "High pressure" moves in, and the gales blow, and the rain lashes down, for daring to have a barbeque to "make the most" of the nice weather.


5)  "Making the most of the nice weather". Everyone's used it, everyone's heard it. The sun pokes it's head out, rare as a Mewtwo on Pokémon Go, and normal everyday activities I like to do are suddenly frowned upon and unsociable. Face it, if you don't do it in normal weather, it's not something you enjoy to do! Don't do that barbeque, watch back to back Netflix series!!


6) Sunburn. Need I say more? I once only got light burns in a holiday on Spain, I can take the puny British sun with no sun lotion.......Mad dogs and Englishman. Look at my lovely radioactive style glow.


7) Weather comparisons. It's hotter than Mexico today apparently........result, one out of three hundred and sixty five. This is a particular annoyance of mine, I am in Britain, I don't give a hoot if Mexico's having one off day.


8)  Comparisons to years gone by. You think this is hot, it's nothing compared to the summer of 1984. Yes, I'm sure you remember the weather that summer to the exact degree!!


9) Day off blues. Blazing sunshine and beautiful weather, seen with your nose pressed against the glass of your workplace. I suppose it's nice for your walk to go to collect your lunch. Finally, your day off comes around...........I'm sure you can fill in the rest!


10) The second week of Wimbledon. It's remarkable really. Every year, I hear to book a British holiday then, the rain launches down, games are cancelled, Wimbldon's struggling to fit the games in, then Monday crops round. Hey Ho, out the sun comes!


You know what, where are those holiday brochures......

Introduction!!

Good evening!


Voltaire once said "I disapprove of what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it", so this is just a few comments on various topics. I have no particular expertise, and have no right to say it, but hey, everyone and there cat has a blog today right! It's the modern get rich quick scheme, although I'm not sure how much I'd make by rambling on about different random stuff!


So pretty much that's my introduction, if anyone reads this, there's practically no point in starting with the intro, so I won't put too much effort into it. I'll simply be posting random "musings", whilst spending depressing nights getting excited watching the view counter click up one, when someone halfway across he planet types in the wrong html. By the way, if that's you, you've just made my Sunday night!!


Thanks and Good night!


The Modern Man