Sitting comfortably? Good, it makes it all the more satisfying when I put you through 7 delightfully awkward situations...... Or maybe I'm just an outcast.
1) Do you know the person enough? Someone you vaguely know walks down the street, a distant relation, or maybe you had a drink with them once. Do they warrant a hello? Do you cross the street to avoid said confrontation, or do you plough on, eyes glued straight forward, or down as if "you don't notice them". Maybe you take the gamble, and try and catch there eye to say a quick hello? Then of course, they aren't looking at you, but you've already gambled!!
2) Being "pipped at". Whoever did this first should be shot!! Is it you being pipped at, or is it merely an angry motorist? You can avoid the wave and play it safe, only to deny profusely later to a friend that you definitely did not see them. Or maybe you give a quick wave. Then the person next to you will either say "they weren't waving at you", leaving egg on your face, or they ask "who was that", to which you sheepishly reply "not a clue".
3) Not knowing a person's name. I thank God how little you mention a name in conversation. The words "mate" and "pal" are a gift from the heavens, as you constantly reference these words in conversation. It's merely a stay of execution of course, as it comes to the point when you have to mention a name. You have a vague idea......but is it right? Do you bite the bullet and ask for a name, looking like a fool for not asking before, or gamble on the name, and risk looking a twat.
4) Not knowing someone at all. There is no way to remedy this. Your walking round a supermarket, or having a drink, and someone shouts your name as if you've been best friends since the year dot. Unfortunately, it is deemed unacceptable to turn round and say "Who the f****** hell are you!", and you end up having a one sided conversation, with you simply holding your end.
5) Bumping into someone.......twice. You've passed the first hurdle, maybe you've remembered someone or passed scenario one successfully. You walk away, congratulating yourself on a job well done, but then you cross paths with the acquaintance again! This will likely be the unavoidable social trap of a supermarket. You've used your best material!, You know how they are, you know how the best friends cousin's partners sisters weddings gone. You've even mentioned the weather, what do you have left? You sort of do an awkward smile/laugh that makes you look like you've just sucked on a lemon.
6) Someone invading your space. I will try to stop a rant. I have my space around me, space only certain trusted individuals may occupy. You could be a knife wielding maniac for all I know. We all know that touchy-feely, overly friendly, frankly weird acquaintance, who treats your private space like a welcome mat. It's awkward, its concerning, and if you do it one more time I will report you to the police.
7) The Hug or Handshake conundrum. The classic, Unsolvable. At what point do you get to "hugging" friendliness. It's a Mexican stand off I'd rather avoid. To make it worse, kissing on the cheek is now seen as a greeting in certain circles (SEE ABOVE!!), just to add a third unknown into an already socially awkward situation. This tends to lead to the awkward "Goodbye" from halfway across the room, or punching someone in the midriff when you gambled on the handshake.......or maybe worse.
Sometimes, I wish I had a nice home on Mars.
Very funny :)
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